5 ways to tell if
by CoolAwesomeRandomGirl123
Summary: Take a closer look at Clan life with Yellowfang and Bluestar as they interview each cat on StarClan T.V! There are 5 ways to tell if... ANYTHING REALLY! Tune in and watch! Brought to you by CoolAwesomeRandomGirl123!
1. Introduction

**Chapter One**

**Hey everyone! I've been inspired by some other peoples fanfics to do my first…. HUMOUR FANFIC! YAY! (Throws cookies and plushies in air) Anyways, be nice, no flames**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Darkstripe: CoolGirl doesn't own warriors**

**CoolAwesomeRandomGirl123: Who did you say doesn't own warriors?**

**Darkstripe: YOU!**

**CoolGirl123: GRR! I HATE YOU DARKSTRIPE! ~Runs off crying~**

**Darkstripe: I'm very lonely really. WAIT FOR ME!**

**Random… So enjoy!**

* * *

Yellowfang: Here we are on StarClan T.V! Today we are going to show you 5 ways to tell if.. Well, anything really!

Bluestar: We are your hosts for today! Now follow us into the wild, crazy, INSANE world of the warriors who are nowhere near as cool as StarClan warriors! ~Beckons camera-cat closer to follow her down an elevator~

MEANWHILE

Firestar: QUICK! EVERYONE! CLEAN UP THIS DUMP OF A CAMP! StarClan T.V are interviewing our camp and I don't want Bluestar thinking I run a camp full of lazy warriors ! I mean, I do, but still!

Brambleclaw: ~Wearing Gangster hat and talking like gangster~ Cools your jets Firestar. I means we gots the bestest camp in the whole wide forest! We don't needs to clean up! ~Indicates with his tail towards the camp.~

Firestar: ~Looks at the camp~ OMG! I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE! You actually cleaned it up! ~Firestar gasps and starts partying~

Sandstorm: ~Sighs and joins him~

Brambleclaw: Yeah! Go Firestar! You gots the bestest dance in the history ofs dance!

Bluestar: OMG! Firestar! I thought I told you that that dance move was lame!

Firestar: Bluestar?

Yellowfang: … The second StarClan T.V comes… And you've already embarrassed yourself on television. I take back what I said when I wished you were my son. At least Brokentail didn't embarrass himself on StarClan T.V!

Bluestar: Well, here we are, in the heart of the ThunderClan camp, where the leader, WHO WAS ONCE MY _SENSIBLE_ DEPUTY ~Gives Firestar menacing glare~ has just proven that he is a horrible dancer. Time to start, 5 ways to tell if… well anything really.

**Sorry that it was so short… It was kind of random, please no flames!!!! See you next time on 5 WAYS TO TELL IF… ANYTHING REALLY! 'Bye from CoolGirl**


	2. 5 ways to tell if your kit is fat

Hey everyone! I hope you like this chapter! Just a warning for some of you, these chapters might be really short, I mean seriously, it's 5 points. So yeah, no flames please

.

DISCLAIMER

Honeyfern: Like omigosh! Did you know that CoolGirl like doesn't own us. Like totally!

Cinderheart: I mean like like ya! As far as she knows, she like only like owns like Petalkit and like Dapplekit and I think like Kestrelkit! Like yeah!

Lionheart: STOP TAKING LIKE THAT IT IS SO ANNOYING!

Cinderheart & Honeyfern: OMIGOSH! Did you just like come from like StarClan! OMG! O_O

Lionheart: ARGH! ~Runs off screaming.~

Okay? Well, hope you enjoy this chapter! Peace out!

**Yellowfang: Here we are on StarClan T.V! Today we are going to discuss 5 ways to tell if… YOUR KIT IS FAT! **

**Bluestar: MY kits weren't fat. ~Looks at Stonefur~ Well, maybe a little…**

**Stonefur: omigosh! How could you be so heartless! ~ Runs off crying~**

**Bluestar: … Uh, ok? BACK TO THE SHOW!**

**Step one**

**Daisy: Kestrelkit! Where's Dapplekit and Petalkit?**

**Kestrelkit: Right here! ~Indicates with his fluffy tail to either side of his fluffy coat.~**

**Daisy: No they aren't!**

**Dapplekit & Petalkit: ~Muffled voices~ We are underneath Kestrelkit's big butt! Get off us you great lump!**

**Daisy: OMG! They're under you? Kestrelkit, what have you been eating!**

**Kestrelkit: DON'T JUDGE ME! ~Runs off crying to reveal Dapplekit and Petalkit crouched close to the floor.~**

**Step two**

**Kestrelkit: Mwa ha ha! They'll never find my stash of marshmellows!**

**Dapplekit: What are you doing here?**

**Petalkit: Is that marshmellows?**

**Kestrelkit: Nuh-duh!**

**Dapplekit: DAISY!**

**Kestrelkit: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**Petalkit: ~Grabs bag of marshmellows and flees~ YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!**

**Daisy: …**

**Step three**

**~Dawn~**

**Petalkit: I'm faster than you!**

**Dapplekit: No I'm faster than you!**

**Kestrelkit: I am the fastest!**

**Dapplekit & Petalkit: ~Exchange glances~ Let's race than.**

**~Start at nursery. In less than 2 minutes, Petalkit and Dapplekit are already near Firestar's den.~**

**Dapplekit: Man, Kestrelkit is SLOW!**

**~Sunhigh~**

**Petalkit: What's a manicure?**

**Dapplekit: I dunno.**

**Kestrelkit: ~PANTING~ I made it!**

**Step four**

**Firestar: THIS IS BORING! LET'S PARTY! WHOO!**

**Dustpelt: ~Sighs~ Why is my leader so lame?**

**Step five**

**Petalkit: Firestar, I think something is wrong with Kestrelkit.**

**Firestar: Forget your worries! Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Hakuna Matata! **

**Petalkit: I know you're my leader but sheesh shut up! Kestrelkit is stuck in the door of the nursery!**

**Firestar: In the jungle, the mighty jungle,**

**Dapplekit & Firestar: The lion sleeps tonight!!!**

**Petalkit: Why do I even try?**

**Well sorry about that being so, random and weird…But now you know 5 ways to tell if a kit is fat, well more like 4 ways… Remember, I only own the kits, nothing else. Please review, no flames. Peace out! **

**~CoolGirl123**


	3. 5 ways to tell if your leader is insane

**Hey everyone! I hope you like this chapter! No flames please!**

**.**

**DISCLAIMER**

**CoolGirl: I just want everyone to know that Firestar is awesome, but in this chapter, insane.**

**Sandstorm: And?**

**CoolGirl: Sandstorm is awesome?**

**Sandstorm: Totally true, but?**

**CoolGirl: Dustpelt! Help me out here!**

**Dustpelt: But everyone knows it!**

**CoolGirl: HELP ME! (Holding a wet fish close to Dustpelt)**

**Dustpelt: (Really fast) CoolGirl doesn't own me or anyone in the warriors and she doesn't own Let's get crazy by Hannah Montana! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Runs away from CoolGirl before she can hit him)**

**Random… Hope you like the chapter!**

Yellowfang: We're back with StarClan T.V! Now we are going to discover 5 ways to tell if… YOUR LEADER IS INSANE!

Bluestar: I wasn't insane. HEHHEHEHHEHHEHEH!

Yellowfang: Yeah… Sure… BACK TO THE SHOW!

_Step one_

Petalkit: Firestar! I heard that Dapplekit and Kestrelkit think you're a great singer!

Firestar: Yes I am aren't I! ~Really off pitch~ I LIKE AEROPLANE JELLYYY!

Petalkit: O_O

Dapplekit: YAY! ENCORE! ENCORE!

Firestar: Mwa ha ha! I have the whole camp hypnotised with my fabulous singing!

Petalkit: Not really…

Dapplekit & Firestar: IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY JUNGLE, THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT!

Petalkit: Dustpelt, why is Firestar so lame?

Dustpelt: I really don't know Petalkit. I really don't know.

_Step two_

Firestar: Graystripe! Where is my jellykabab?!

Graystripe: What's jellykabab?

Firestar: It's my new word!

Graystripe: What does it mean?

Firestar: Uh… um… Never mind… ~Runs off quickly before Graystripe can respond~

Graystripe: What does _jellykabab_ mean!?

_Step three_

Brambleclaw: ~Still wearing gangster hat~ Heys Squirrelflight! I'm sicks of speaking likes this! ~Takes off hat.~

Squirrelflight: Thank goodness! That gangster thing is so annoying.

Brambleclaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the phone! ~Puts on pirate hat~ Arr, now I'm a pirate!

Firestar: Mr. Pirate, do you know where Brambleclaw is?

Brambleclaw: Arr me hearty! He's right here!

Firestar: AHHH! A PIRATE ATE BRAMBLECLAW! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! ~Runs away screaming~

Brambleclaw: Arr! I am Brambleclaw! Arr me hearty!

_Step four_

Firestar: (Singing off pitch) Lets get crazy!

Dustpelt: You already are!

Firestar: LET ME FINISH! Let's get crazy! Get up and dance! Take a swing do your thing it's worth taking a chance! Let's get crazy!

Dapplekit: Yay!

Brambleclaw: Arr, that was horrible! Arr me hearty!

Firestar: AAAH! IT'S THE PIRATE THAT ATE MY DEPUTY! (Runs away screaming)

_Step five_

Firestar: Petalkit! Where is Kestrelkit! I want to give him a new name in honour of all the chocolate he eats!

Petalkit: (SMIRKS) What are you gonna call him? Chockit?

Firestar: NO! That sounds to much like chocolate.

Dapplekit: Chocolate, chockit, chocolate, chockit. He's right! O_O

Kestrelkit: (Dr. Nick from the Simpsons Style.) Hi everybody!

Everyone: (Simpsons Style.) Hi Kestrelkit!

Firestar: Finally, I can perform the ceremony!

Kestrelkit: Ooh, what's my new name gonna be!?

Firestar: I now pronounce this kit's name to be… KITKATKIT!

Petalkit & Dustpelt: WHAT!?

Everyone else: Kitkatkit! Kitkatkit!

Kitkatkit: Yay! This is a waay better name than Kestrelkit. (Scoffs)

Daisy: Hey has anyone seen Kestrelkit? He left the nursery a few minutes ago. THERE YOU ARE!

Kitkatkit: I'm not Kestrelkit! I'm Kitkatkit!

Yellowfang: Join us next time for…

Bluestar: 5 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU HAVE CRAZY MINIONS!

Camera cat: (Mutters) I don't get paid enough for this.


	4. 5 ways to tell if the evil guy is stupid

5 WAYS TO TELL IF…

CHAPTER FOUR

**Hey everyone! I'm sorry that this has taken so long, but anyways…**

**This chapter isn't "5 ways to tell if your minion is crazy", but "5 ways to tell if the evil dude is stupid."**

**DISCLAIMER**

**If I owned warriors, Feathertail would've survived the fall, the three would belong to Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw, and Spottedleaf and Firestar would never have loved each other. AND I don't own YouTube! **

Yellowfang: We're back after AGES with….

Bluestar: 5 WAYS TO TELL IF THE EVIL DUDE IS STUPID! Yay!

Yellowfang: Now, come, into the dark forest! Ooooh, so scary!

Tigerstar: (sings really off-pitch) Where oh where has StarClan gone? Ohh! Where oh where has StarClan gone!

Hawkfrost: That was horrible.  
Tigerstar: TRAITOR! How could you Hawkfrost? I thought you were my only loyal son!

Brokentail: Encore! Encore!

Tigerstar: See, HE understands _true_ art!

Darkstripe: Again! Again! Encore!

Tigerstar: And he's just a kiss-up. (turns his back to him and carries on singing badly.)

Bluestar: (whispers) I think we came at the wrong time.

Hawkfrost: INTRUDERS! Just when my father is being embarrassing!

Tigerstar: STARCLAN HAVE COME! We found them, we found them hooray! Hooray! (Starts dancing like a maniac with Brokentail)

Bluestar: You are the lucky winners!

Yellowfang: You get to star in StarClan TV's….

Bluestar & Yellowfang: 5 WAYS TO TELL IF…!

Hawkfrost: Finally! Cats who are _in_ the territory of sanity!

Bluestar: And, here's the best bit!

Yellowfang: HAWKFROST'S NOT INVITED!

Hawkfrost: Aww man!

Tigerstar & Brokentail: (Still dancing) Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!

Yellowfang: (whispers) Hawkfrost, the feature is 5 ways to tell if the evil dude is stupid! Here's $40! Run like the wind! (Starts screaming and yelling dramatically) RUN LIKE THE WIIIND!

Step One

Firestar: I'm bored… Let's go to the Moonpool…

Leafpool: Why?

Firestar: Cause I want a romantic evening with Spottedleaf!

Sandstorm: (Elbows Firestar really hard in the ribs.)

Firestar: I-I mean, S-Sandstorm!

Sandstorm: Let's go now! (Grabs Firestar and runs to the Moonpool)

Tigerstar: Good, they've left! Bring it in boys!

*Rogues start bringing in really cool giant computer*

Brambleclaw: Arr, what be you doing here? Yaar.

Tigerstar: StarClan has allowed me to come down to the lake! Yay! Now I'm with my son again! Hawkfrost is a traitor!

Brambleclaw: (Confused) Yaar! I thought I was yaaar traitor!

Tigerstar: But at least _you_ didn't say my singing was horrible!

Brambleclaw: Arr, 'tis true!

Brokentail: LOOK TIGERSTAR! It's YouTube! I can't believe it!

Tigerstar: Hey! Isn't that Jayfeather and Cinderheart? I didn't know they had their own show! It's called… (squints to read screen) The hot kitty and the sexy blind guy. Cool name. Catchy…

Cinderheart: Ooh, ooh, like look like on the like screen! There's our like, awesomely like kits!

Tigerstar: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! KITS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! (Starts running like a maniac)

Step Two

Brokentail: Tigerstar! This kits name is… DAPPLEKIT!

Tigerstar: HAHAHAHA!

Darkstripe: And this kits name is… KITKATKIT! HAHAHAHA!

Tigerstar & Brokentail: ~Shake their heads~ No, just no. Not funny.

Darkstripe: Yes it is!

Tigerstar: Dapplekit! I say these words before StarClan. This kit shall now be a warrior. DAPPLEAPPLE! .

Everyone except Darkstripe: DAPPLEAPPLE! DAPPLEAPPLE!

Darkstripe: I don't get it…

Step Three 

Squirrelflight: Brambleclaw! Scare these rogues out!

Brambleclaw: Arr, they not be rogue, aye. 'Tis Tigerstar and, aye, his yaar outlaws!

Squirrelflight: … Did they come with permission from StarClan?

Brambleclaw: Yaarrrr, they did, aar…

Tigerstar: Yo son, Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight's "lover", whatever you wanna be called! We're gonna attack your camp at Sunhigh, ok? We're just waiting for supplies, which include some claw sharperners. You can borrow them if you want!

Brambleclaw: Yaarr, thanks me hearty!

Yellowfang: ~rolls eyes~ … These bad guys are getting dumber and dumber.

Step four

Dappleapple: Peachkit! Peachkit! Look! My fur dapples in the sun, but my fur DOESN'T dapple in the shadows! OMSC!

Peachkit: Oi… Dapplekit, you are almost as dumb as Tigerstar.

Dappleapple: NO! I'M DAPPLE_APPLE!_

Tigerstar: Did somebody say my name?

Peachkit: Yes, you stupid excuse of a furball.

Tigerstar: Excuse _me_, you ugly… KIT! Yeah, you got the wits of a fully-weaned kit!

Peachkit: ~Stares at him funny~ That's cause I AM a fully-weaned kit! Duh…

Tigerstar: Hey Brokentail, come here!

Brokentail: I will, so long as you let me rename you.

CoolAwesomeRandomGirl: Yo. If you see a name that says Clearmist, yeah, that's me.

Brokentail: Random…

Clearmist: Ah well. Tigerstar, since I keep accidently writing Tigertar, you shall now be… Tigertart!

Brokentail: I was gonna call him Tiger_fart_.

Tigertart: Yay! Tarts for everyone!

Brokentail: _Farts_ for everyone!

Step five

Peachkit: I'm bored. Let's hold a warrior ceremony. Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather at the nursery for a Peachkit-tacular meeting.

_~Everybody gathers~_

Tigertart: Since Firestar has mysteriously not returned, I am going to announce myself leader, and appoint a deputy.

_~From somewhere near the Moonpool, a muffled shriek is heard, and the sound of a cat drowning._~

Brokentail: Oooh, I hope I'm gonna be deputy.

Tigertart: I say these words before StarClan and hope they approve my choice. Peachkit shall be deputy.

Peachkit: Only if I get a warrior name and apprentice.

Tigertart: Fine, you shall be known as… Peachbeach, your apprentice Kitkatkit.

Kitkatkit: Kitkatpaw? Doesn't sound right…

Tigertart: Kitkatkit! You're paws are NOT made of kitkats!

Kitkatkit: …

Brokentail: ~Drunk on catmint because he wasn't made deputy~ JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE ALL THE WAY! YAY!

Peachbeach: As your deputy, I order you to stop eating the catmint and stop singing horribly.

Brokentail: Fine! It doesn't matter, because IMA FIRIN' MA LAZA!

Yellowfang: Well, that's all we have time for. Try and guess who was drowning. It will surprise you. Think of cats you haven't heard of for a while in this fic.

Bluestar: The winner gets to star in a chapter!

Yellowfang: Here is a clue: It's not Firestar or Sandstorm!

Clearmist: Until next time!

Bluestar: We'll see ya soon, hopefully!

Cameracat: Ok, the camera's off now.

Yellowfang: Bluestar, why is Clearmist/CoolAwesomeRandomGirl123 here?

Bluestar: Oh, I invited her to be a co-host!

Yellowfang: Oh, ok then.

Cameracat: Uhh.,, guys… The camera isn't off… I made a mistake…

**Random… Anyways, please review and tell me what you think! Flamers shall be thrown in the dungeon! **


	5. Authors Note Optional

**Hi everybody! Sorry I've taken so long, but it's complicated and I couldn't get to my computer… I probably won't be able to start updating properly until like the April holidays…. So this chapter is just an authors note. If you want to know what chapters I'm thinking of doing next, just read this, it's not to long… XD**

**Five ways to tell if your mate is insane**

**5 ways to tell if you have rabies**

**5 ways to tell if you're eating to much**

**5 ways to tell if you're the only sane one**

**5 ways to tell if you're dead**

**5 ways to tell if you're boring**

**5 ways to tell if you're CrAzY **

**5 ways to tell if you've got a funny name, including guest stars**

**That's pretty much it. Since this is just an authors note, I shouldn't give you a clue. But… Bluestar wanted to make an appearance in EVERY chapter, so here she is!**

Bluestar: I'm so awesomely awesome!

Yellowfang: No you're not.

Bluestar: OH MY ME! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! THIS IS MY MONOLOGUE!

Yellowfang: No.

Bluestar: Fine Yellowfang, you can stay. Hmph.

Yellowfang: Thanks!

Bluestar: ~Mutters~ Yellow_gay_!

Yellowfang: What-choo-say?

Bluestar: That the cat who drowned in the Moonpool hasn't been in ANY chapters AT ALL!!!! And won't be in ANY chapters AT ALL!

Yellowfang: You weren't supposed to say that!

Bluestar: ~Holding the camera so all you can see is her face~ I REPEAT! THE CAT WHO DROWNED IN THE MOONPOOL HASN'T BEEN EVEN MENTIONED!

Clearmist: Sigh…


End file.
